It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and nothing makes one more aware of the burdens of that illness than watching somebody go through it. Twisty is blogging her trip, and it's not easy to share (there are even some photos), but it's real and it's vivid. I particularly appreciate this post about the well-intended wishes of friends that serve only to make things worse. Best is to try to be there for those you care about in whatever way they need, but that's a high standard of understanding...
Oh, and Bitch, Ph.D, provides the links to information about recent advice, self-exams, and other resources.
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2 comments:
It's not just a high standard of understanding - often, we may not know *what* we need, and so how could we expect our friends to?
I have not had to deal with such a thing personally, but my guess right now is that I would be comforted by my (close) friends saying such things. And on more minor things have been, and my friends know that. It's possible that a serious illness or other tragedy would change my reaction, but would it be fair to expect my friends to know that?
Grief and dealing with illness, fear, etc. - we do not prepare ourselves as individuals or as a society to cope well; we don't have a good vocabulary for communicating with each other about such things.
My implicit prep mechanism I guess is to try to develop a circle of friends (mostly women as it turns out, but some men as well) who I trust will let me react however I need to and whom I feel I could communicate honestly with a la "that's really not helping.."
But we never know until it happens how we'll manage...
Yeah, I think I agree with you on many counts -- that your close friends are the ones expected to really "get" where you're at, and that it can actually be helpful to get encouragement. But I was struck by how many commenters shared Twisty's response, either that false cheeriness was insensitive or that it demanded that they expend their scant energy on helping perpetuate the facade. Worth considering.
But yes, we do poorly with grief and illness in our society -- people tiptoe around their uncertainty and can leave the affected person feeling like a leper. I wish there were more guidance and/or openness...
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